THE RULES :

1. The female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all THE RULES she must immediately change some or all THE RULES.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the male did or said wrong.

7. If rule#6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given time.

9. The male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the female meant, not what she said.

15. If the male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he cant take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. Any attempt to document THE RULES, could result in bodily harm.

17. If the male at any time believes he is right, he must refer to rule#5.

Dictionary!

This is a Dictionary of made up words that lots of people say, but aren’t in any dictionaries.

Note: The words in this dictionary are NOT MEANT TO OFFEND anyone. This is just for fun.

Bahookiey- n. Butt, Gluteus Maximus, Derriere, and all other words for your bottom.

Shmexy- adj. Sexy in a nerdy way.

Hijklmna- (hi-ja-klum-na) n. Greetings! Hello!

Unsleep- v. awake

Fantabulous- adj. very nice

Confuzzled- v. confused

Punkity- adj. punkish, something very punk

Slank n,v,adj – A generic word to take the place of any over used word. [Holy slank! Aww, right in the Slank. Slank on, dude. I miss my mom to slanks ; fanSLANKintastic]

Dramastically- adv. a mixture between the obvious, “drastically” and “dramatically”

Tweakage-n. the act of tweaking something

Tickety-boo- Quickly/ as soon as possible

Frusterpated- v. Frustrated with out the ability to “kick it” or make it go away.

Shuushhcabuggie- transtitive verb. Shut up!

Frunk – adj. – takes place of the “eff word” and other such sayings. e.g. What the frunk?

Prettyful- adj. Pretty and Beautiful. Not one or the other, but both.

Thart- n. someone who plays with your emotions but never pursues any sort of relationship.

Armsleeves- n. the sleeves on your shirt

Dunch- n. meal between dinner and lunch, but closer to lunch: i.e. around 2 o’clock.

Incredulous- adj. Better than incredible.

Muderlize – v. Murder, kill. i.e. “I’m going to muderlize you!”

Ignoranus – n. Both an utterly ingnorant person as well as an a$$hole.

Redonkulous-adj. Even more ridiculous then ridiculous allows [that outfit is just redonkulous]

Snew- v. the past tense of snowing

Poopfart: n.-a label for someone/thing who/that is being a butt, or just being generally annoying.

Cuddlable-adj. Very cuddly. As is in ‘you are very cuddlable’

Flickted -n. A dumb person or thing.

[ex. shut up flickted.]

Flicktated-adj. a messed up something another.

ex. well thats just flicktated.

Flicktarded – n. a mixture of flicktated ed and stupid.

Graunchy-adj. gross and raunchy; i.e., risque, crude and lewd.

Disbenefit – as in the opposite of benefit..

“HOIK” -int. A straining noise used when lifting heavy objects or carrying out a strenuous action.

Peshy-adj. a feeling of slight or mild hunger; peckish

Eeeeesh- int. word that expresses extreme impatience or dismay.

[Example: Eeesh this line is long!]

Foof- (adj) – a feeling of sadness caused by becoming frustrated

[Example: Foof. I lost my favorite necklace.]

Sarchasm – n. The gap between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesnt get it.

Hilacious-adj. a mix between Hilarious and delicious. Something that’s beyond funny is hilacious.

Knopernicular – adj. State of mind in which one is totally out of it. pronounced: “N-opp-err-nick-you-ler”

Uglify- v. To make something ugly.

Toboozing – v – the act of drinking alcohol an tobogganing at the same time. Please use with caution

Spappy – adj. When you’re not sad or happy but you’re sad happy!

Leptar – adj. Non-derogatory term meaning having dark hair

Shwarkididdle – n. A klutzy, crazy person. pronounced: shw-ar-ki-di-dle

Awkwardoodle- 1. n. A really awkward person. 2. n. an awkward situation

Adorkable- adj. Adorable in a very dorky fashion

Frogen (hard ‘g’) – adj. Cold enough to where you are shivering and wishing someone could bring you a jacket, but not cold enough to go get one yourself. The actual temperature at where you become frogen varies. e.g. “I am absotively frogen. Can i borrow your jacket?”

Befunkled- v. Utterly and completely stumped and or confused

Clutch- adj. Sweet, cool, awesome, only in the highest level of coolness. Also if you do something amazing, and

do it amazingly.

Wankathone – n. What happens when your by yourself and can’t cum.

Ginormous – adj. Gigantic + enormous

Sarcasmic – adj. Sarcastic

Swexy – adj. Sweaty..yet sexy

Furble – adj. Comfortable and furry/fuzzy, as with a cashmere sweater.

Face-ist – n. The instantaneous like or dislike of a person because their face reminds you of someone you feel strongly about.

Drownded – v. Past tense of drown.

Snaught – v. Past tense of snatch.

[Reasoning: Catch -> caught]

Gigantimous – adj. Gigantic, enormous, i.e. a gigantimous octopus.

Edumacated – adj. Learned intellectually; educated.

Place-ist – n., adj. The discrimination between people from the country and people from town.

Shablah – n. G-rated word for sh**.

GikaMungus – adj. Very huge in a sarcastic way, but still big.

Queerinomical or queerinomically – adv. Doing something queerly or just being really queer.

[I.E. "You're queerinomically incorrect." or "That was queerinomical"]

Beautimous – adj. Beautiful + Fabulous

Chillaxin’ – v. chillin’+ relaxin’

Jiganormous – adj. Very Very Big!

Pointfull – adj. The opposite of pointless.

Confrusterated – adj. Beyond confused, and frustrasted because of it.

Poopoopooling – adj. A word to describe someone who looks like they are doing something when actually they’re not.

Getwellsoonism – n. All the phrases such as ‘get well soon’, ‘get well now’, ‘i miss you coz you’re ill’ and the like.

Superecstaticamazical – adj. the feeling you get when you’ve told your rude roommate to kiss your a$$.

Skrumptrulescent – adj. So amazing that no word can describe it so you have to make one up.

Under-roos – n. Underpants including bra, panties, and /or tankini!

Moustachess – n. Women with mustaches

Defavoured – adj. Unpopular, unfavored, and generally disliked.

Bihandular – adj. Ambidextrous.

Laarm – anythin. A generic word used to take the place of any overused word that can be said in any social encounter to mean anythin. i.e.”Laarm! That was fun!” “She is such a laarm!” “Girl, your boyfriend is a LAARM!”

Confusticated – adj. Confused, possibly frustrated, also implies a general exasperation. (Confustication)

Technicated – adj. Something both technical and complicated.

Randomosity – n. Something that’s random; out of place; a thought, a pose, a statement, a movement, or anything that just doesnt fit in with the context of what else is happening. i.e. “That whole night was filled with randomosity” or “The randomosity of what you just said is outrageous”

Lactomangulation – (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

Peppier – (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

Phonesia – (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus – (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination – (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

Aquadextrous – (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Carperpetuation – (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum

one more chance.

Disconfect – (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

Elbonics – (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Frust – n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Coolio -adj. Cool, awesome, rockin’ and the like.

Disappearsies – v. It has disappeared.

Felled – v. To fall in past tense.

Forgotted – v. To forget in past tense.

Heemyflip – n. A second in which one has to wait.

Huggle – n. A generally nice cuddle/hug from a friend.

Methinks – Used at the start or end or a sentence to clarify personal viewpoint.

Mug – N. A person that is very gullible, or does stupid things for no reason.

Perfor – v. To come upon, to bestow upon.

Savvy – Question, Do you understand? Do you agree with what I have said?

Dankin – n. adj. v. A generic word. i.e. “You are so dankin.” “Look at that dankin car.”

Technicifities – n. Technical difficulties.

Skid – n. Gross person.

Germes – n. Dysphemism for German, whether it be the language or the class that teaches the language.

Willawont – (will-uh-wont) v. May or maynot, used when avoiding an answer.

Boo – n,adj,v. A generic word meaning whatever the hell “I” want it to be. i.e. “Boo u”, “You are soo booed”,

Aww, u thats so boo-ey” , “Booness is taking over”, “I boo u”….

Gank – v. To steal, borrow without intent of returning, take with out asking, acquire.

Interestingly funny! Hehe ;)

Poor Bernie Goldberg

The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, “What did you do at recess?”

Mary says, “I played in the sand box.”

Teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ’sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.”

She does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.

Billy says, “I played with Mary in sand box.”

Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘Box” correctly on blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.”

Billy does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess.

He says, “I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.”

Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie.”

Three Bulls

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.”

Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: “Ahem… You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald’s in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Message To The People Of The USA

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2. 15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven’s sake…..it’s Nuclear as in clear NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day

Staff IQ Test

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let’s find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are…?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You’re not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

A letter To Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, Vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way Interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

40 Things You’d Like To Say Out Loud At Work

1) I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

2) I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3) How about never? Is never good for you?

4) I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5) I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6) I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7) I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9) It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.

10) Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11) I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

14) I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16) Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17) The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

18) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20) I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21) It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

24) Do I look like a people person?

25) This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26) I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28) If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31) I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

32) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33) Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

34) Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35) Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36) Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.

37) How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38) I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.

39) Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40) Oh I get it… like humour… but different.