Poor Bernie Goldberg

28 09 2007

The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, “What did you do at recess?”

Mary says, “I played in the sand box.”

Teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ’sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.”

She does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.

Billy says, “I played with Mary in sand box.”

Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘Box” correctly on blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.”

Billy does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess.

He says, “I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.”

Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie.”





Three Bulls

28 09 2007

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.”

Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: “Ahem… You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”





Job Application

28 09 2007

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald’s in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.





Message To The People Of The USA

28 09 2007
To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2. 15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven’s sake…..it’s Nuclear as in clear NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day





Staff IQ Test

28 09 2007
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let’s find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are…?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You’re not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.





A letter To Alcohol

28 09 2007
Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, Vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way Interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan





40 Things You’d Like To Say Out Loud At Work

28 09 2007
1) I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

2) I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3) How about never? Is never good for you?

4) I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5) I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6) I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7) I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8) I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9) It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.

10) Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11) I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

14) I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16) Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17) The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

18) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20) I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21) It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

24) Do I look like a people person?

25) This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26) I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28) If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31) I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

32) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33) Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

34) Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35) Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36) Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.

37) How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38) I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.

39) Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40) Oh I get it… like humour… but different.





Halo 3

26 09 2007
The wait for the most anticipated game of all time is finally over. The fight is about to be finished. And right now, across the world, the hopes and happiness of millions hinge on the answer to one simple question: Is it good? Or perhaps, Is it as good as we want it to be?

We won’t leave you hanging a second longer. The answer to both is yes – a huge and resounding yes. Every type of Halo fan, from the hardcore to the casual to the brand new, will find something to satisfy them in Master Chief’s third adventure. Rest assured that no matter what you expect out of this series – epic single player, massive multiplayer, insane coop, robust community and editing tools – you will not be disappointed. Halo 3 is an overwhelming success.

Emphasis on overwhelming. In fact, the game throws so much goodness at you in so many different areas that it’s difficult to know where to begin the praise. Instead, let’s just get the criticisms out of the way, shall we? Halo 3 is not absolutely perfect. To begin with, the storyline is a confusing and convoluted mess. (Editor’s Note: Prepare with our quick catch-up guide, Halo:The Story So Far. Trust us, you’ll need it. ) We never understood exactly why and what we were fighting at any given moment, only that it usually involved blowing something up.The ending, while satisfying, is far from conclusive. And the second-to-last mission in the game is destined for as much frustrating infamy as the Library level in the original Halo. (Our advice? Just run.)





Pirates Of The Caribbean 3

26 09 2007
Pirates 3 doesn’t quite capture the look of the movie as well as the next-gen versions do. But the game is still visually acceptable. The sword fighting, unlike in the next-gen version is really boring and can drag on too long. If you’re ambushed by a bunch of enemies, not only will you be attacked from every direction, but you’ll have to engage in a host of too-long-for-their-own-good sword fights that’ll leave you wanting to do one thing: turn off the game. And because the sword fights are so common, the end result is an unpolished game that was rushed with mediocre puzzles and challenges. In the game you’ll take control of three different characters, Jack, Will, and Elizabeth.

During climactic moments, you’ll engage in duels that’ll require some careful timing as opposed to just button mashing. But there isn’t anything special about the dueling, so it’s not even worth the thought. There are a few mini-games and a multi-player mode, but all of that just seems like filler in contrast to the lacking main game. There are some distinct gameplay differences between the next-gen versions and the PS2, PSP and Wii games. So if you really liked the idea of Pirates 3 on the PS3 or X360, but couldn’t stomach its framerate, try the PC version – because the other versions are noticeably different. Besides, the PC version is also a lot cheaper (a mere $30).

A lot of the game seems very dated, as it can feel like a collect-a-thon a lot of times. You run around, solve some puzzles, collect some stuff, and move on. It’s a formula that would’ve been passable back in the late 90s, but today, with our storage mediums at 40GB per disc, we need a more expansive title. Pirates 3 doesn’t offer much of anything that’s interesting, and that is unfortunate seeing as how the license is ideal for a massive and engrossing game (a’la Oblivion).

Character detail is pretty solid, as is the texture detail. You’ll see some good spots of lighting every now and then, and there’s often many enemies on screen at once. As mentioned before, the PS2 version is more playable than the next-gen titles, simply because it has a framerate that’s able to keep up most of the time. That doesn’t mean much, though, as Pirates 3 still isn’t a good game, no matter which console. The story unravels with in-game cut-scenes, as opposed to the highly stylized cut-scenes of the next-gen versions.

It’s sort of a status quo to have movie-based games feature their respective actors commit to their virtual recreations. Pirates 3 does just that, and its execution in voice acting is leagues ahead of what we heard in Shrek 3 and Spider-Man 3. Shrek 3’s biggest problem was that the characters weren’t voiced by the actual cast of the movie. While Spider-Man 3’s dialogue was just plain ol’ bad and tiresome, Pirates 3 falls somewhere in between being good and average. The voice-acting during the cut-scenes is well done, but much of what’s outside of that isn’t anything spectacular. The tunes are very reminiscent of the movie, but unlike Spider-Man 3’s one monotonous theme, Pirates 3 offers more for the ears.

In the end, the Pirates 3 game comes out being the best of the movie-game trilogies.




PS2 Game: Ghost Rider

26 09 2007
The movie did very well at the box office, as theater-goers everywhere flocked to check out the stuntman with a new flaming skull and a cool attitude. “Ghost Rider” was a hit as a film, but we had our reservations regarding the video game…after all, based on the last quarter-century (it basically started with “E.T.”) of gaming, how can you blame us? Most movie-to-game incarnations range from horrendous to merely average; it’s very, very rare that you get one that actually qualifies as good. Well, Ghost Rider has plenty going for it on the surface, as you know ahead of time you’ll have straight-up fast-paced combat action combined with speedy motorcycle portions. But can the two very different gameplay styles combine to provide a cohesive and entertaining experience?

The graphics aren’t impressive in the least, but they’re not poor, either. Most of the visuals consist of your typical assortment of generic details and environmental designs, and after a while, you’ll just start ignoring the background. That’s not a good thing, but then again, the graphics aren’t bad enough so they actually take away from your game involvement. There aren’t really any major errors or flaws, and despite the lack of an inspired color palette or level creation, the visuals in Ghost Rider are barely passable. Enemy and character design is a major drawback, though; it’s some of the most bland and run-of-the-mill productions imaginable, especially when you have a concept like “Ghost Rider.” A few of the bosses were kinda interesting, but besides that, the graphics are largely forgettable. Not terrible, but definitely forgettable.

The sound is marginally better, if only because they chose some hard-rock tracks that fit the action on screen. Unfortunately, they fell in love with one or two tracks and decided to use those over and over and over again throughout the entire adventure. And again, it just turns into another feature you start to ignore, although the music plays a better role in your experience. The effects are okay, but nothing we could consider refined or memorable; it basically sounds like any other action game you’ve played. It was a little disappointing to start off so promising in the very first area, fully prepared to kick some ass thanks to the appropriate mood-setting rock track, and then listen as nothing new ever arose.

If this game had come out before Devil May Cry and God of War, Ghost Rider would’ve felt fresh, lively, and invigorating. We would’ve lauded it as the second coming of the action genre, giddy with the feeling of a unique new experience and impressed that a game based on a movie finally amounted to something. But unfortunately, this isn’t 2001. And as it stands, this game shamelessly steals from Capcom’s DMC series and Sony’s GoW series, recycling ideas and passing them off as their own. They don’t even bother to change the most obvious things; the doorway shields are Dante-red, the souls you absorb and the fixed camera are from both DMC and GoW, and even the sound effects for filling up your skills with acquired souls is identical to that of God of War.

Heck, some levels almost look as if they copied entirely from Capcom’s original Devil May Cry (like the city streets with debris all over the place), and you’re constantly saying to yourself, “how’d they get away with this?” Really, it’s a wonder both Capcom and Sony don’t sue the snot out of Climax Studios and 2K Games. …but at the same time, we have to admit something: we still had fun. It was simple, repetitive, too easy, and every once in a while, just plain boring, but for whatever reason, it was still entertaining. After all, even if they are stealing from other games, they’re stealing from some damn great games, right? Granted, the developers didn’t do nearly as well recreating those features in Ghost Rider, but they still worked, for the most part.

You might actually be surprised to see how many different moves the main character has at his disposal; he can use his chains, punch, or execute a variety of combinations that can be both visually appealing and wildly effective. The balance is out of whack, though, as some of the most damaging maneuvers are learned too early. One particular move, which is executed by pressing the R1 and Square button, utterly destroys many enemies in only one shot, and even smashes bosses to bits in around three hits. Also, your foes aren’t very bright, as they all use the same style of attack patterns, and none seem capable of hitting you out of the air. If you spent your life jumping around and attacking, you could make it through 95% of the game. And that’s a big problem. However, you do learn your abilities at a pretty decent rate, even if you get them all too quickly and too easily.

The other part of the gameplay has you on Ghost Rider’s Hell Cycle, and while the sensation of speed is excellent and your options are diverse, none of it is really challenging. The controls are way too loose as well. Still, you can smack enemy riders to the left and right, shoot fireballs in front of you, jump (and even double-jump, later), and slide beneath obstacles. All of this comes together for a relatively entertaining action-laden ride, despite all its intrinsic faults. In this way, it’s much like the combat: the foundation is significantly flawed, but for some reason, it doesn’t quite topple the gameplay. Honestly, we were convinced it would, and while other critics have lambasted the game for this, we have to admit it didn’t faze us nearly as much.

There’s some more bad news, though, and this comes from the technical side of things. First off, the camera is just plain mediocre. This style of camera can be challenging for developers, but it has gotten a lot better in recent years…like we said, if this was six years ago, Ghost Rider would’ve appeared great. But the camera often forces you to fight invisible enemies attacking you off the edge of the screen, and that can get very frustrating. Secondly, there are some significant slowdown issues (the game even stopped for a second at one point), and that can also affect your combat. Thirdly and finally, there was one instance of a major glitch: we somehow ended up underneath a bridge we were fighting on, which isn’t possible. But after a few seconds, we were able to jump back “through” the bridge to resume fighting.

So the game certainly has its problems, that’s for damn sure. And there really isn’t a single aspect of the gameplay that is any more than mediocre or average, but again, we have to reiterate: we had some fun for a while, tearing through enemies and whipping around on our demonic cycle. Sadly, the entire game won’t take you much longer than three hours – four or five if you’re a novice – which makes it very difficult to recommend a purchase, and the story is hardly a benefit. Without any of the celebrity voices from the movie, the game focuses on a comic-based tale centering on Mephisto’s employ of Ghost Rider to stop his son, Blackheart, from going nuts on earth. That kind of behavior might be accepted in hell, but not on the surface, it seems. It’s a disjointed and mostly ho-hum plot, with yawn-inducing voiceovers and storybook-themed cut-scenes.

But in our opinion, Ghost Rider is one of those instances where the overall product is greater than the sum of its parts. Not much greater, mind you, but it might satisfy fans of both the movie and the comic book. It’s fast-paced, it’s accessible enough, there are plenty of moves for the casual gamer, and it’s got plenty of unlockable fanservice extras. You can unlock concept art, the Making of Ghost Rider, full comic book editions, and you’ll even be able to play as Blade once you complete the main quest with Ghost Rider. Blade has his own assortment of weapons and moves, too. Therefore, while it certainly isn’t what we’d call a good action game, it does hold some simplistic and juvenile appeal. And sometimes, that’s all we really want for an hour or two. It’s too bad that they had to steal just about everything, and the problems continued to mount up with every passing level…ah well, the search for a top-notch movie-turned-game continues.